Operation Legend

A Satire

INT. HALLWAY. DAY

An office door. The sign reads D.H.S RM 102 P.R, Propaganda &
Psychological Warfare

INT. OFFICE. DAY

2 men. CANDYMAN, English accent has feet up on desk and is
flipping skittles into his mouth. The other is staring at a
screen and playing with an x-box controller. There is a book
shelf and a laptop. The phone rings. It is closer to the
GAMER.

GAMER
Get it.

CANDYMAN
You get it.

GAMER
I’m blowing up a school.

CANDYMAN
GTA?

GAMER
Pakistan.

CANDYMAN moves for the phone.

CANDYMAN
Triple-P Department.

CANDYMAN straightens up and waves at GAMER

CANDYMAN
Yes Sir!
(WHISPERS)
It’s the boss!

GAMER
Trump?

BOTH laugh sarcastically

CANDYMAN
No sir!

GAMER
Putin?

CANDYMAN
(WHISPERS)
Bigger!
(NORMAL)
Propaganda, Sir?

GAMER
SATAN?

CANDYMAN
(WHISPERS)
No bigger! Big! Really big!

GAMER
Oh my god it’s Mitch!

CANDYMAN
Uh Huh.
(WHISPERS)
Bible! Bible! Get the bloody Bible!

GAMER goes to bookshelf. Shot of copies of 1984, Brazil, Game
Of Thrones. The Bible, Saddam Hussein Romance Novel, Mein
Kampf: GAMER’s fingers pass, almost settling on bible but
finally pulls Mein Kampf volume 2.

CANDYMAN
(WHISPERS)
Chapter 9!
(NORMAL)
Oh he’s good Sir, he’s just out uh,
kidnapping babies?

CANDYMAN shrugs at GAMER as he brings over the book.

CANDYMAN
Hhmm? Brown, Sir!
(BEAT)
Well I sound foreign Sir, but
really I’m British.
(BEAT)
I’m perfectly legal Sir, Im white!
(BEAT)
On secondment. Yes, Putin sent a
few of us over from the Brexit
Department.
(BEAT)
Uhuh? Yes I have just the thing.
I’ll send it up to focus this
afternoon. By the book. Of Course.
Hhmm? Psychological Warfare?
Well, you know, Sir, it’s only
called cheating if you lose. Right?
Bye for now! Love to Melania!

CANDYMAN hangs up and stares at the phone

CANDYMAN
Prick.

GAMER
(Raises the book)
Look at this! We’re three quarters
through.

CANDYMAN
Are we really? Already? Let’s go
ahead and move the Night of the
Long Knives up to… December.

GAMER
What if we don’t win the election?

BOTH laugh sarcastically.

GAMER
(Taps on phone)
It’s in the diary. So what did he
want?

CANDYMAN
We’re sending the Brownshirts in
next week to crack some skulls,
disappear a few people, you know,
shake things up a bit – really
revitalize the flagging riot scene.
Thought we’d test it in the
Portland market before taking it
nationwide.

GAMER
Ooh tough crowd!

CANDYMAN
Yes, with luck there’ll be oodles
of bloodshed to blame on the
liberals. Anyhoo, if it goes well
the mouth-breather –

GAMER
Piece –

CANDYMAN
(BEAT)
Sure.
The mouth-piece will need something
sexy to call the show, something
that says “we’re just here keeping
the peace, honest” so I thought we
could run through a list of
violently dead children whose
memories we could pervert in the
name of Making America Fascist this
term.

GAMER
Awesome! Dead children? They’ll lap
it up.

BOTH lean over the laptop and tap and scroll

CANDYMAN
Here’s one – Andres Guardado..
Operation Andres?

GAMER
18? He’s a bit old isn’t he?

CANDYMAN
Eh, he’s a teenager. Oh, wait. No.
Shot by Sherifs.
(Beat)
In the back.
(Beat)
While kneeling.

GAMER
Bummer

CANDYMAN
Yeah we can’t use him.

GAMER
How about this one, Antwon Rose Jr.
17.

CANDYMAN
Well he’s younger. Died by
violence, shot in the back – so
that’s good..

GAMER
Oh. By police. Running from a
traffic stop.

CANDYMAN
Damn!

GAMER
John Albers, 17, oh, nope. Uh,
Antonio Arce, 14. Wait, no.

CANDYMAN
Wait – here’s one – Leg End? LeGend
Tallifero? Shot at home while
sleeping. We can squish that into
Legend, right? No one cares how
these names are pronounced.
Operation Legend – thats pretty
sexy, right?

GAMER
Yeah it’s sexy. Wow, he was 4. You
really hit the jackpot.

CANDYMAN
Do you want to know the best bit?

GAMER
He was 4? His name was Legend?

CANDYMAN
No one knows who did it! Could have
been anyone! We’re safe!

GAMER
Sweet. Sounds like a win-win,
right?

CANDYMAN
Sure. Lets punt it upstairs and let
marketing fight it out. If it
doesn’t fly with the test groups
there’s plenty more where that came
from.

GAMER sends a text

GAMER
Done. Well, that was a good
strenuous what, 5 minutes? Beer?
Line of coke?

CANDYMAN
Absolutely.

INT. HALLWAY. DAY

An office door. The sign reads D.H.S RM 102 P.R, Propaganda &
Psychological Warfare

INT. OFFICE. DAY

2 men. CANDYMAN, English accent has feet up on desk and is
flipping skittles into his mouth. The other is staring at a
screen and playing with an x-box controller. There is a book
shelf and a laptop. The phone rings. It is closer to the
GAMER.

GAMER
Get it.

CANDYMAN
You get it.

GAMER
I’m blowing up a school.

CANDYMAN
GTA?

GAMER
Pakistan.

CANDYMAN moves for the phone.

CANDYMAN
Triple-P Department.

CANDYMAN straightens up and waves at GAMER

CANDYMAN
Yes Sir!
(WHISPERS)
It’s the boss!

GAMER
Trump?

BOTH laugh sarcastically

CANDYMAN
No sir!

GAMER
Putin?

CANDYMAN
(WHISPERS)
Bigger!
(NORMAL)
Propaganda, Sir?

GAMER
SATAN?

CANDYMAN
(WHISPERS)
No bigger! Big! Really big!

GAMER
Oh my god it’s Mitch!

CANDYMAN
Uh Huh.
(WHISPERS)
Bible! Bible! Get the bloody Bible!

GAMER goes to bookshelf. Shot of copies of 1984, Brazil, Game
Of Thrones. The Bible, Saddam Hussein Romance Novel, Mein
Kampf: GAMER’s fingers pass, almost settling on bible but
finally pulls Mein Kampf volume 2.

CANDYMAN
(WHISPERS)
Chapter 9!
(NORMAL)
Oh he’s good Sir, he’s just out uh,
kidnapping babies?

CANDYMAN shrugs at GAMER as he brings over the book.

CANDYMAN
Hhmm? Brown, Sir!
(BEAT)
Well I sound foreign Sir, but
really I’m British.
(BEAT)
I’m perfectly legal Sir, Im white!
(BEAT)
On secondment. Yes, Putin sent a
few of us over from the Brexit
Department.
(BEAT)
Uhuh? Yes I have just the thing.
I’ll send it up to focus this
afternoon. By the book. Of Course.
Hhmm? Psychological Warfare?
Well, you know, Sir, it’s only
called cheating if you lose. Right?
Bye for now! Love to Melania!

CANDYMAN hangs up and stares at the phone

CANDYMAN
Prick.

GAMER
(Raises the book)
Look at this! We’re three quarters
through.

CANDYMAN
Are we really? Already? Let’s go
ahead and move the Night of the
Long Knives up to… December.

GAMER
What if we don’t win the election?

BOTH laugh sarcastically.

GAMER
(Taps on phone)
It’s in the diary. So what did he
want?

CANDYMAN
We’re sending the Brownshirts in
next week to crack some skulls,
disappear a few people, you know,
shake things up a bit – really
revitalize the flagging riot scene.
Thought we’d test it in the
Portland market before taking it
nationwide.

GAMER
Ooh tough crowd!

CANDYMAN
Yes, with luck there’ll be oodles
of bloodshed to blame on the
liberals. Anyhoo, if it goes well
the mouth-breather –

GAMER
Piece –

CANDYMAN
(BEAT)
Sure.
The mouth-piece will need something
sexy to call the show, something
that says “we’re just here keeping
the peace, honest” so I thought we
could run through a list of
violently dead children whose
memories we could pervert in the
name of Making America Fascist this
term.

GAMER
Awesome! Dead children? They’ll lap
it up.

BOTH lean over the laptop and tap and scroll

CANDYMAN
Here’s one – Andres Guardado..
Operation Andres?

GAMER
18? He’s a bit old isn’t he?

CANDYMAN
Eh, he’s a teenager. Oh, wait. No.
Shot by Sherifs.
(Beat)
In the back.
(Beat)
While kneeling.

GAMER
Bummer

CANDYMAN
Yeah we can’t use him.

GAMER
How about this one, Antwon Rose Jr.
17.

CANDYMAN
Well he’s younger. Died by
violence, shot in the back – so
that’s good..

GAMER
Oh. By police. Running from a
traffic stop.

CANDYMAN
Damn!

GAMER
John Albers, 17, oh, nope. Uh,
Antonio Arce, 14. Wait, no.

CANDYMAN
Wait – here’s one – Leg End? LeGend
Tallifero? Shot at home while
sleeping. We can squish that into
Legend, right? No one cares how
these names are pronounced.
Operation Legend – thats pretty
sexy, right?

GAMER
Yeah it’s sexy. Wow, he was 4. You
really hit the jackpot.

CANDYMAN
Do you want to know the best bit?

GAMER
He was 4? His name was Legend?

CANDYMAN
No one knows who did it! Could have
been anyone! We’re safe!

GAMER
Sweet. Sounds like a win-win,
right?

CANDYMAN
Sure. Lets punt it upstairs and let
marketing fight it out. If it
doesn’t fly with the test groups
there’s plenty more where that came
from.

GAMER sends a text

GAMER
Done. Well, that was a good
strenuous what, 5 minutes? Beer?
Line of coke?

CANDYMAN
Absolutely.